22.8.07

In this farewell
There’s no blood
There’s no alibi

Because I’ve drawn regret
From the truth
Of a thousand lies

So let Mercy come
And wash away
What I’ve done

I’ll face myself
To Cross out what I’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what I’ve done

Put to rest
What you thought of me
While I clean this slate
With the hands of uncertainty

For what I’ve done
I start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
I’m forgiving what I’ve done

The disconnect of me

“There is something deeper that occurs as we question God and God’s activity (or seeming lack thereof).

It’s as if we become aliens to ourselves. We don’t just feel sad or upset about life; we feel completely dislocated inside the familiar.

We go through the motions of job, ministry, family activities, and relationships. Almost “out of body,” we observe ourselves doing life as we’ve always done it.

Yet now, there is another self in the mix; another persona so far removed from who we have been, we shudder at the disconnect.

We wonder what others would think of us if we said what we were really thinking”

Maelstrom

I feel the absence of hope, the absence of joy and the definite absence of God.

I can’t remember the last time I prayed, worshipped or felt any tangible evidence of God.

I don’t even know why I am writing this, except that I feel compelled to for some reason. If I don’t express it but internalize it, I think it will consume me.

There is a lyric in a song by Brooke Fraser that says:

Am I lost or just less found?
On the straight or on the roundabout of the wrong way?

I feel like that. I feel I am driving around the roundabout of this so called life, this so called faith of mine. I’m looking for the right lane to turn off, but the exit is not clearly marked and my sense of direction is failing me. I simply don’t know what direction to take.

It’s been said that without doubt there is no faith. I’m not sure I believe that, seeing as I have the most doubt right now that I have ever had in my life.

I simply don’t feel inclined to believe in God anymore.

I’ve tried to follow Jesus for 15 years now and can’t bear the things happening the way that they do. If its not my health going wrong, its my family tearing itself apart or suffering and if its not that, then its me failing in very relationship I get into. Until recently I was with someone I truly loved and for the first time I was hopeful about a possible future with her; now it’s ended and I don’t understand why.

I feel that every bit of my self confidence has been stripped from me and I feel beyond being lovable.

Is love meant to be like that?

To be honest, I don’t believe love exists for me anymore. Well, maybe it does, but only in shitty pop songs and in stupid films. If it does exist in real life, it’s the stuff that happens to other people and certainly not to someone like me.

To say I feel back at square one would be an understatement. I feel completely devoid of hope of ever having a successful relationship, let alone a marriage or a family. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, considering just how much separation and divorce exists in my family; guess I am just going to be another statistic. I’ve reached a point where I am not sure I really care about anyone that could be in my future, much less caring about me.

I’m not arrogant or naive enough to ignore the fact that others suffer too, and some much more than myself. I have known many others who have had it harder. For me, I just feel enough is enough for fucks sake. I keep taking hit after that hit and I can’t take anymore. I simply don’t have the strength or will to fight on.

I swing between indifference and anger, grief and numbness in my emotions. I can’t make sense of anything and I can barely contain my emotions at any given moment.

I’ve no idea why I go to church anymore –I have no desire to. I sit there and feel like I am in a vacuum. God is most definately conspicuous by His absence.

I don’t think I believe that God is in my life anymore, much less is interested in me or actually loves me. I’m sure He has more important people to worry about anyway…I don’t feel I can stand in church anymore and say I believe in Him; let alone believe in His promises or that He is good.

As I said, im sure God’s not that bothered anyway; im sure He doesn’t miss me that much especially as my faith never amounted to much anyway. I’ve done a pretty fucking lousy job of being a follower for the last 15 years.

I feel it’s just been a waste of my time, my energy and strength.

So the question i am asking myself right now is this; what’s the point in believing anymore? I really don’t see any.

A year ago I wrote this and it seems the wheel has come full circle; because it’s exactly how I feel again right now:

They say you should rage against
The dying of the light
But I rage against
The dying of my dreams

I’ve forgotten what it is
To believe in my dreams
What was once so close to my heart
Seems divided now and conquered

My dreams are beginning to dissipate
Slowly trickling away
Like sand held in my fingers

I barely have the strength to hold on
To fight, to retain the things I once dreamed
Things that were precious and rare
And now fleeting

I seem to fall backwards
Into all that I long to escape
And feel stalled
Unable to move forward
Into that which I desire to claim

I can never forget I have a past
Yet sometimes I can’t imagine I have a future

Like a shooting star
I feel I’m falling

Burning brightly as I go