There are times when the reality of who I am and who I want or hope to be is a wide gulf that I cannot seem to cross.
Recently I have felt like I am trapped in the furthest corners of a winter expanse and I feel chilled, unable to feel the light or warmth. I have learnt that there are regular cycles to my depression and I am normally able to see them coming and God allows me to the grace to cope with them and battle through them.
This latest conflict seems the most vicious of all as it involves my dreams and the desires of my heart.
I have for as long as I can remember, wanted to be a husband and a father, despite the divorce and emotional abuse that seems rife in my family tradition. I know that in some circles its is probably deemed a bit unmanly to express such desires but I really don’t give a shit about what others may think of that – I love the idea of being a husband and a dad.
Recently and sadly, I have realized that deep in my heart, I am not sure if I ever believe these things will happen.
A few weeks ago I wrote this poem:
They say you should rage against
The dying of the light
But I rage against
The dying of my dreams
I’ve forgotten what it is
To believe in my dreams
What was once so close to my heart
Seems divided now and conquered
My dreams are beginning to dissipate
Slowly trickling away
Like sand held in my fingers
I barely have the strength to hold on
To fight, to retain the things I once dreamed
Things that were precious and rare
And now fleeting
I seem to fall backwards
Into all that I long to escape
And feel stalled
Unable to move forward
Into that which I desire to claim
I can never forget I have a past
Yet sometimes I can’t imagine I have a future
Like a shooting star
I feel I’m falling
Burning brightly as I go
I’ve had few relationships, in fact adding up all their collective time together brings the total time I have spent in relationships inn my life to 14 months..In 32 years. The truth is that God has been showing me the fallout I have made of some poor choices in these relationships and also how much I have hurt some people I have been out with.
God has and is convicting me about my attitudes, thoughts and actions towards some of the girls I have been out with. I confess that I have done and said things of which I am deeply ashamed and God clearly wants me to deal with these things now and even though its hard, I am grateful.
The problem is that the enemy has got in on the back of my genuine guilt and conviction and has been trying to turn it into shame, thus making me feel that the reason why my few relationships have failed so badly is down to one common denominator; me.
I feel that I have done more harm than good, not just to the girls I went out with but to myself. I feel that I am damaged goods, that if I allow someone to get really close and see the reality of who I am they would run a mile. I feel that whatever chances I have been given, I have totally fucked up beyond measure and feel that I won’t ever be given another chance. That my desires of being a husband and father have been subtly taken from my heart and replaced with lies that it will never happen, or if it does, that it is doomed to fail like every other marriage in my family appears to have done.
A few years ago when in New Zealand, a lovely lady gave me a very vivid picture of my heart. It was completely wrapped in barbed wire. The wire was there to protect the heart and when people tried to touch the heart they got wounded and hurt by the spikes of the wire. The problem was that the heart was being deeply cut and wounded itself by the wire because the wire was wrapped round so tight.
I have come to see that its true; that in my hurt and pain of growing up I have put a a protective barrier round my heart to keep people at a distance in case they find out the reality of me and are disappointed. But the same wire that ‘protects’ my heart also causes it the most hurt as it cuts in deep and prevents me from allowing me to love and be loved.
In the last few days I have felt like God has been speaking directly to my heart saying ‘Why do you find it so hard to let Me love you?’ and ‘Why don’t you believe you will become a husband and a father?’.
I don’t know how to answer that right now..all I know is that I feel angry, tired, and weary; that at times I don’t know if I want to carry on any more. I want so much for the desires of my heart to come true yet seem so afraid of those very things happening.
How can that be? Am I alone in thinking this way?
As I sit here writing this the tears are flowing freely …
I weep at the damage I have done to women in my life whether intentionally or not, I weep over the state of sin in my life and know I am far away from the person that so many think I am, let alone me. I grieve over the fact that I appear not to have noticed that my dreams have been flickering and dying in my heart and I am at a loss as what to do next.
I know that there is a war going on within me and I knew that when I gave my life to Jesus things could be hard. But its been a long and bloody conflict and recently I feel that my wounds are beginning to outweigh my ability to fight.
I seem to have cried so much over things since I became a Christian and I know its a way of pain leaving the body, but sometimes I wonder if this will always be the case for me?. Maybe I am too emotional or maybe its just God’s way of getting through to me?…..I don’t know.
I want so much to be whole, I want so much for even the smallest part of my life to reflect Jesus, I want so much to live a life of purity and integrity, I want so much to be free and I want to be a man who is totally committed to his wife and kids. Right now I feel further away from these things than ever before and I feel they are disappearing over the horizon.
I don’t know what happens next and I don’t know when its going to feel like the storm is easing. Last night just before I went to bed I felt God speak to me for the first time in ages with these words:
Let me love you
As you should do
When the storm is through
You can hold onto
How far you will go
To avoid this show
Of My love
As you wait
For My love
What you need
Is the seed
That proves the deed
Of My love
When you feel faint
Under the stain and taint
There will be no restraint
Of My love
What you don’t understand
Is what I hold in My hand
Like grains of sand
Pouring out My love
When you’ve crossed the sea
And come only to Me
Then you will be free
In My love
I am not sure if this is the beginning of the end for me with my struggle over my hearts desires and dreams, but maybe its the end of the beginning…?